Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Typical Sunday Night

Sunday Night:

Wife: "I just put the UPS notice on your wallet, so you won't forget to put it on the door in the morning."

Husband: "I already signed the other one and put it somewhere I won't forget it."

Wife: "Somewhere better than your wallet?"

Husband: "It's taken care of."

Wife: "Ok, I was just trying to help you out."


Monday Afternoon:

Wife is outside taking the dog for a walk. She thinks she hears the doorbell, but she hasn't showered or put a bra on or brushed her teeth or combed her hair, so she disregards it. Moments later she walks in the house and hears the UPS truck leaving. She thinks nothing of it because she knows there will be a package at the door. Her loving husband has obviously put the notice on the door because he put it in a spot that he couldn't possibly forget.

Imagine the wife's surprise when she sees the final notice attached to her door and NO PACKAGE!

***Note to all the wives out there. Just do it yourself!

The One in Which I'm Going to HELL

A few days ago, I decided to drive down a street I've never been down before. We're relatively new to the area, so every now and then I explore different neighborhoods. This neighborhood was really cute with lots of houses probably built in the 70's and 80's with well kept lawns and cute dogs and people that wave when you pass by. I was enjoying my little side trip until I was stuck behind a biker that was driving in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! Not only was this biker impeding my progress, but it was 1pm on a school day and from the back of him he appeared to be a 14 year old boy. Why was he not in school, I wondered. Also, what the hell kind of bike was that? It was a full sized bike with GIANT training wheels. I am cursing this kid with all I've got and his parents for not teaching him not to ride in the middle of the street. I definitely said at one point, "Where do you even get a bike like that? Retards 'R' Us?" I was annoyed for absolutely no reason, since it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I had nothing better to do than drive around, but I continued to get more and more bothered...

Then we reached the cul-de-sac and he saw me and pulled into a driveway and waved with the biggest grin I've ever seen. Yeah, he definitely had down syndrome.

Upon recounting this story to my husband, he said, "You're definitely going to hell if there is one, which will be nice because I'll have company when you get there."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

This is Toby, who almost died today. He didn't really, but you can imagine.


Today, I almost killed my dog. Our puppy is 13 weeks old and has had a bad case of diarrhea for a few days. I was going to take him to the vet and then it started getting better, but then it definitely got worse. I would like to blame almost killing the dog on my husband. He read up on diarrhea cures on the Internet, and if we've learned anything from webmd, it's just to go ahead and go to the doctor already. Unfortunately, we hate doctors and vets for that matter, so we chose the home remedy. The home remedy was rice made in broth. First I will tell you that I was sooo proud of myself for making this rice for my puppy. While that sounds endlessly stupid, wait it gets better. When I was done making the rice (heating it up in the microwave), I was so excited that I just dumped it in Toby's food bowl, set it down (maybe for a minute), and opened his crate. What happened next is probably obvious to most of you, but was clearly not obvious to me. Food that has been put in a microwave for ten minutes is hot, like boiling hot and dogs will stick their snout in and then spray rice all over your walls and floor. It was at this point that I put Toby back in his crate and tortured him with having to sit there for 20 minutes while the rice cooled to an acceptable temperature.

I then called my husband and asked him never to procreate with me, because I should not be allowed to be in charge of an infant, let alone a dog. Also, I learned that my husband should never be trusted because the rice has so not worked and if you really think about it, this is ALL HIS FAULT!